Free weather clock, amongst other things.

Hello all, I notice that it has indeed been a vast plain of time between my last post and this one, so I'd like to get all the apologies out of my system. I'm very sorry. Done.

Right then, I've finally got something to share with everyone. Today I was granted the opportunity to win (no, not even win, GAIN) a free digital clock that tells you how warm it is and what phase the Moon is in. Granted this level of technology is probably handed out in Happy meals these days, and primary school kids nationwide are discussing lunar phases in registration, but myself, being the Bumpkin that I am, quite literally jumped at the chance to own one of these marvellous slabs of technology. I say slab but I think it will actually be pocket sized when, and if, it arrives.

"How did that happen?" I hear you all asking. The story will unfold soon enough. But I shall have to start from the beginning.

Having being at Hellfest last week (which was the best weekend ever, might I add) I got home and talked about my new tanlines and how crusty my nose felt after Exodus, but I never noticed that I had unopened post. I didn't actually notice for a good 4 days. I heard about said post about 2 hours ago.

I opened the first letter and find that it's a 20% discount card for railway food. I think to myself "Banging!" as I read about all the wonderful discount i can get off my Chicken Royales and Large Cokes.

I wasn't actually expecting the 2nd letter, and it looked pretty official. I thought at first it might've been the Bank or something, but they never actually write to me, so I instantly threw that idea into my head's waste paper basket. It had a "Barnados - Save the Children" Stamp on it as well, so I then thought it might've been someone asking for money that I don't have. Granted I do have the money, and at the time I was watching a programme about Vietnamese kids with proper deformed faces, so the two put together might've incited some kind of generous thought, but it didn't. Instead my face looked pretty deformed watching that progamme because my jaw was kinda hanging down and my eyebrow was raised most of the time. If you add a bit of drool onto that image I could've probably being in that very programme. Granted I'm not Vietnamese like, but still. The stamp doesn't actually have anything to do with any of this story's narrative, other than that it reinforces my prior curiosity. Myself looking at that stamp must've looked like a dog sniffing an unfamiliar poo.

Anyway, I get round to opening this strange gift and find that it's a survey. A wine survey. What the Hell do I know about WINE?! I know not to Drink Wine from Clisson, because the Vineyards there are full of Metalhead Piss/Shit/other. I was greeted by various boxes about countries of produce and my favourite types of wine and how often I buy wine and how much I spend on Wine and how often. I rarely ever drink Wine. The only times I drink Wine is when it's free and at Christmas (and even then, it's fucking Lambrini, which is Sparkling Perry. Is Perry a Wine?) (Also, while I'm here, I'll introduce that last sentence as a reinforcing statement to how weak my Wine knowledge is.) Other than Christmas, the only other time I've indulged in Wine is when I managed to Drink a full bottle of White Wine (Chardonnay, Perhaps?) at a Staff party thing. This was followed by 4 free pints of Guinness. Never one to turn down a free drink, and because I was already a bit pissed and don't usually have to know the rule, not being a big Wine drinker and all, I forgot the whole "Never, EVER drink Wine and then Beer." I shalln't forget said Rule, as I managed to redecorate the Toilets in the Golden Lion a kind of Frothy Brown colour with bits of Carrot in it. Was proper funny like, and it didn't cost me anything and it was a good night, so I didn't really mind. Most of it went in the toilet as well, so I don't think I was being overtly Loutish. Not that anyone needed to know that, it was just a bit of an insight. This little detour has absolutely nothing to do with my Free Gift.

Back to the Clock. Having looked over the Survey and explained to my sister several times that I don't know a thing about wine and saying "Why send ME this? Who decided to send me this? Don't they know that I know Sod all about Wine?!" several times, and in various forms, I folded the bit of paper down to look for some small print, and instead of small print I found a picture of the aforementioned clock, and was instructed that all I had to do was fill in the Survey, send it off in the freepost envelope that they had kindly provided, and they would contact me about my free clock. I got very, very excited about this. So excited, in fact, that I answered all of the questions. All complete lies, because I've never bought a bottle of wine. And when most of the questions are about the last bottle of Wine I bought, there wasn't much else I could've done. I guess I could've made my own "N/A" box. But then the people at Weather Clock Central might've thought I was taking the piss, and thus kept my Clock.

I had to leave a phone number, so I just wrote works down. Which is not only a good idea because I'm there most of the time, It's also good because they won't be ringing my house/mobile trying to sell me things. Hooray for my incredible cunning and wit.

I taped the envelope down with some extra strength tape, ready to post in the morning. But then it occurred to me that I'd probably forget all about posting it in the Morning, so instead I ran to the Post box to post it. It was raining as well so I felt proper dedicated. Turns out it only took me 1:51 to get to the Post box, and that included double checking that my door was shut. If anyone in Clifton saw some idiot frantically making his way to a post box earlier on, it was me. I admit it. I really want that clock.

I got back, proper sweaty, and quite proud of my commitment to personal forecasting. Then saw that some Steven Seagal Programme was on five US so I put that on to record and then had a shower. And now I'm here, telling all you lovely people about it.

I can guarantee that the kind People at Weather Clock Central shall ring work about my Clock and Lisa will answer it and tell them to never ring again. Frankly, if I actually get this clock, it'll be nothing short of a Miracle.

That's about it I think. I'm gonna try and write a couple more of these 'ere blogs, because People keep telling me to. That, and the fact that I don't have much else to keep me busy.

Innabit all.

Proper Gipe

I've come to realise that by trying to spend as little money as possible, i always end up spending loads of money by inadvertently finding deals that only morons would ignore.

This occurs mainly with DVD's. I'm accumulating quite a respectable collection, y'see, and when i think "I'd like to buy "x" film" I'll go into HMV and look for it (and usually they won't have it in so you've gotta go to leeds, where they actually stock the shelves). On the rare occasion they do have whatever DVD in stock, i will only consider getting it if it is under 5 quid. Unless it's something akin to God, in which case I'll consider spending 6. This even happens with Boxsets. If a boxset has 5 films in and is over 25 quid, that makes it £5 per film; and therefore it shall remain shelved.

2 - Packs are pretty good (Nightwatch/daywatch, Superman 1+2, every which way but loose/any which way you can, Airplane + airplane 2 etc), but again, if it's a tenner or over, it's gotta pretty much strip down and dance for me if i am to even consider buying it.

Now, when they have those vast shelves which display all of the £5 and under DVDS and cheap-ish boxsets is where i give in. Luckily for my bank balance, most of the films within them are usually pretty crap, but still, i can get some right binging in the sales corner.

HMV may be one drainage of my wallet, and that is why i don't go in there too often, or else i find myself rather poor indeed. I find i don't go on the internet that much anymore either, and therefore don't go on amazon much anymore.....

But when i do go on amazon, i'm forced to write a blog and tell everybody about my experience. Theres a user on there called Zoverstocks that sell pretty much all their films for under a quid. (million dollar baby was only 9p!) Now if it wasn't for their postage price of £1.24 per dvd i think the postman would get the anthrax that bin laden is sending through the post to me and shit in it, mix it up and make me a shit-thrax turd pie, set it on fire and feed it to me while making me watch glee. Thats if he'd get me before he got ahernia. (Newsflash! Speed skater on the winter olympics called Ming Wham - lol). So i find myself to be even more of a gippo when i'm online.

I often hear people complaining about shopping online. There are various- "The table i bought was missing a screw" - "The car you sold me didn't have any gloves in the glove box - why is this? I refuse to pay!" To people who would say this, i reply "fuck off, you got your goods for at least half price, and you didn't even have to get off your fat arse and drive into town or whatever to get it! (Probably just cursed myself and the next thing i buy off the internet will arrive on fire.)

The other complaint is that there is no line to wait in before you pay. This isn't because the british public lurveee queuing (face it - it's true, we make queues to get into queues). Apparently people get annoyed because they can't look at their items and think "Do i realllly need this? I think I'll take it back" (or, a more likely situation, "I'll just put it back wherever. Yeah, this topless cage fighting DVD can go back here, amongst balamory and tots tv") . Typical that after years of queuing up to buy goods off real people and complaining about the size of the queue, the internet comes along and we all decide to sympathise with the queue and give it a moral purpose.

The internets lack of queues and it's conveniant one-click ordering system apparently abolishes this certain thought process that many a consumer has experienced. Anyone who complains about this is a complete moron; if you love queues that much, you must be very british. And if you miss the queue that much and want to put a bit more blighty into your order, heres a solution:

Put all your items in your shopping basket, hover your mouse over "click to pay" and then go make a brew, drink it and maybe feed the dog or whatever, scratch your arse, hoover, then go back to your computer and think to yourself "whyyyy am i buying all this shit? Theres a poitrot boxset, a vase, a history of belgium, a collection of vintage postcards and some rollerblades, when all i wanted was a bloody scart cable, AND I HAVEN'T EVEN BOUGHT THAT YET!!"

...He says after just going for a browse on Amazon and spending £34 on 18 dvds. (You do the maths - thats a bargain!) but i didn't actually want to buy anything, I only wanted to see how much a certain film costs, then i find myself with 3 tabs open (amazon, imdb and ebay (in case it's cheaper) just haplessly browsing on imdb for films to search for on amazon for a price to compare with on ebay! AND I DIDN'T EVEN BUY THE BASTARD FILM I LOOKED FOR IN THE FIRST PLACE!

Gadzukes. Night all!